By Sierra Sands, M.S., LLP

What Does Resilience Really Mean?
A typical therapy goal that parents often have for their children is for them to develop resilience. Resilience is the ability to adapt to changes, manage difficult emotions, and recover from setbacks. However, having resilience does not mean that a child is always going to be happy, be able to handle everything on their own, or be 100% independent. A child is going to experience everything from frustration to disappointment to anxiety in childhood and beyond, as well as making mistakes. This is all part of growing up. Resilience helps us navigate those moments, and it is a skill that develops over time. Parents and caregivers play a key role in helping children develop these skills through experience and practice. These relationships foster the confidence that a child needs to navigate life’s challenges. Learning how to build resilience in children starts with understanding that resilience is not about avoiding difficult emotions or experiences, but about helping children develop the coping skills and confidence to work through them.

Why Is Resilience Important for Children?
Having the skill of resilience is important for adults and children alike. It helps us manage stress, disappointment, and unexpected changes. It allows us to be more flexible, and resilience supports emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. When someone is resilient, they are more easily confident, independent, and often more open to trying new things. In life, academic pressure, family changes, and other difficult situations show up. That resilience can help a child navigate those events and build a foundation for coping with problems as they grow.

How to Build Resilience in Children: 5 Strategies for Parents

Strategy 1: Help Children Identify and Express Their Emotions to Build Emotional Regulation

Emotional awareness is the first step to emotional regulation. Teach children to recognize and name what they are feeling. Talk about emotions with your children, what may trigger those emotions, and how they feel in the body. If your child is experiencing a difficult emotion, it is important to validate that emotion while also not immediately fixing the situation. Try engaging in problem-solving together (more on that below!). In your own life, model healthy emotional expression so that your children can learn what to do from you. Above all, help kids understand
that all emotions are acceptable, but certain behaviors might not be!

Try saying: “I get why you are frustrated. It is super hard when something does not go the way you expect. But I know that we can get through this!”

Strategy 2: Encourage Problem-Solving Instead of Immediately Stepping In

The urge to jump in and solve problems for your child can be very strong. But if you want your child to work on being a problem solver, it is important to give children opportunities to work through manageable challenges. You can help them by asking them questions that encourage them to think through possible situations and brainstorm solutions. Offering guidance and reassurance while helping them practice making decisions will go farther than removing every source of discomfort for them.

Try saying: “What do you think you could try next?” or “Let’s brainstorm some ideas together!”

Strategy 3: Model Healthy Coping Skills

Children learn a lot from what their parents’ model for them. By demonstrating how you handle frustration, stress and disappointment in a healthy way, you are setting them up for success. Talk through your own age-appropriate coping strategies. Practice skills with your child, such as deep breathing, taking a break, working out energy through movement, or positive self-talk. Additionally, show your child that asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. Try saying: “I am feeling pretty overwhelmed, so I am going to take a few deep breaths before I figure out what to do next.”

Strategy 4: Help Children Learn from Mistakes and Setbacks

Encourage your child to focus on learning and growing rather than perfection. We all make mistakes! Praise their efforts, flexibility, persistence and willingness to try again, not just the times they get it right. When something difficult does come up, help your child reflect on what they can learn from that experience. At the same time, do not minimize their disappointment or rush them to “look on the bright side.”

Try saying: “That didn’t work out the way you hoped. That can be so disappointing! What do you think we can do differently next time?”

Strategy 5: Create a Safe and Supportive Environment to Build Resilience

Build predictable routines and consistent expectations. Special time with your child is important. Make time for one-on-one attention where you can listen to and connect with your child. Children are going to be more likely to take healthy risks and learn from challenges when they know their parents are a safe place to turn to for support. Make sure you communicate with them that they can come to you with difficult feelings or mistakes without fear or shame. Be a dependable source of support while also encouraging independence.

How to Build Resilience in Children at Different Ages

Resilience will develop differently depending on a child’s age and developmental stage. Younger children will be working to tolerate frustration, name emotions, and accept help from adults that they trust. School-aged children begin to practice problem solving, navigate friendships, and work on coping with mistakes and feelings of disappointment. While adolescents are working towards building independence, managing peer pressure and relationships, navigating academic stress, and learning when to seek support from trusted adults.

When setting expectations for independence and resilience with children, remember developmental appropriateness. A younger child is likely to need more substantial adult support, while a teen may benefit from opportunities to work through their challenges independently.

Common Parenting Mistakes That Can Make Building Resilience More Difficult

Even with the best intentions, parents’ responses could make it more difficult for children to develop coping skills. Each moment is an opportunity for growth!

• If we rush in to fix every problem, children will not get the chance to practice managing difficulties on their own.
• Telling your child that things are “not a big deal” may discourage them from sharing emotions and will minimize their feelings.
• Expecting toughness all the time is unrealistic. Having resilience is not the same as never needing help or never experiencing difficult emotions.
• Each child will develop skills to cope at their own pace. Avoid comparing them to other children.
• Progress is never linear. Your child may handle a challenge great one day and then struggle with it the next. This is all part of the skill building process.

When Might a Child Need Additional Support?

Sometimes, a child may be struggling beyond what parental support can address and may need additional support. If you are noticing things like persistent anxiety, frequent and intense emotional outbursts, withdrawal from activities, consistent difficulty at school or home, or ongoing trouble recovering from stressful experiences, it may be time to seek some professional support. Speaking with a mental health professional is key when a child’s symptoms are interfering with their daily life. Getting this support can be a proactive step in helping your child build the skills they
need for resilience now and later in life.

Individual differences may play a role in the potential need for outside support as well. A child with anxiety, ADHD, sensory sensitivities, or other developmental needs may need additional structure and tailored support. A therapist can help you meet your child where they are and develop strategies from there.

Resilience Grows Through Connection

Your child’s resilience develops through everyday experiences, supportive relationships and recurring opportunities to practice their coping skills. Focus on progress rather than your child (or you) getting things perfect. You do not need to have all the answers for your child, rather they need an adult who will listen, guide them, and help them navigate life’s difficult moments.

If you feel like your child could benefit from some additional support, or you feel like you may need guidance in how to support them, the clinicians at McCaskill Family Services are available to help you along the way. Your family does not have to navigate building emotional regulation and coping skills alone. If you would like to connect with one of our therapists in Plymouth or Brighton, MI or via telehealth, please call us at 734-416-9098 or email us at office@mccaskillfamilyservices.com to take the first steps to fostering resilience.