By Sierra Sands, M.S., LLP

Loneliness Is More Common Than We Think
Feeling lonely is something that everyone has felt at some point. You may even feel lonely when you are surrounded by others. However, there is a difference between being alone and feeling
lonely. Being alone, or solitude, can feel restorative at times, especially for more introverted folks. Loneliness is more about feeling disconnected or lacking meaningful connection with others.

Learning how to overcome loneliness can be difficult, especially when you feel disconnected from the people around you. Loneliness can happen during major life transitions, such as
moving, starting a new school or job, becoming a parent, ending a relationship, or during busy times in life. Loneliness and social isolation can affect people at many different stages of
life. Overcoming loneliness is not about having more relationships, necessarily, but creating relationships that feel genuine and supportive.

Why Is Loneliness So Hard to Break?
When we feel disconnected, it is very easy to withdraw and assume that other people are not
interested in connecting with us. The fear of rejection, symptoms of social anxiety, low self-confidence, or negative past experiences can all get in the way of reaching out. Withdrawing
because you are lonely only leads to more loneliness because you decrease opportunities for connections. Breaking this cycle is possible, and it starts with small, manageable steps. Don’t
expect yourself to make any major social changes overnight.

1. Start Small: Everyday Opportunities for Connection
Are there small moments of connection that you can focus on and incorporate into your daily or weekly routine?

Opportunities include:
• Chatting with a coworker before a meeting
• Greeting a neighbor
• Staying behind for a few minutes after a class or activity
• Engaging in small talk with someone at a local event
• Reaching out to a friend or acquaintance that you have not talked to recently

Meaningful relationships often develop through repeated, ordinary interactions!

2. Find Places Where Connections Can Grow
Are there any activities available near you that naturally create opportunities to see the same people regularly? If you’re wondering how to make friends as an adult, finding places where you
can regularly see the same people can be a helpful place to start.

Potential activities:
• Fitness classes or recreational sports teams
• Book clubs
• Volunteer opportunities (i.e., animal shelter, American Red Cross, local library or historical society)
• Faith or other community groups
• Classes and workshops based on your interests
• Hobby groups
• Parent and caregiver groups

Sometimes it is difficult to find the “perfect” activity for you. Instead, focus on consistently
attending a group. Showing up regularly gives relationships more time to develop.

3. Go Beyond Small Talk
Meaningful connections with others generally require gradually allowing people to get to know the real you. Not just talking about the weather. If you’re learning how to build meaningful relationships, start small by sharing your interests or asking open-ended questions about someone’s experience. Often, people enjoy sharing about themselves, so being interested in
someone is a great way to build a relationship. Curiosity about another person will go farther than worrying about saying the “right” thing. However, it is also important to remember that
connection is a two-way street. Listening and sharing your own thoughts and ideas matter.

4. Reconnect With People You Know
Building a connection does not always mean starting from scratch. Consider if there are people
who you have lost touch with but would genuinely like to reconnect with. This could be a prior
coworker, classmate, or a friend you have not seen in a while. A simple “I’ve been thinking about
you! How have you been?” text can go a long way. It is fair to expect that reconnecting can feel
awkward at first, but if you stick with it and are able to find commonalities, things are likely to
improve over time.

5. Be Willing to Initiate
One of the most difficult parts of building relationships is being willing to take the first step and put yourself out there. There is often the assumption that “if they wanted to hang out, they’d ask.”
This is not always the case. Someone else might be feeling just as hesitant and lonely, or life might get busy and they genuinely forget to ask! It is often better to make specific invitations rather than vague plans when trying to connect with someone.

• Instead of: “We should hang out sometime!”
• Try: “Want to grab coffee Saturday morning?”

6. Don’t Let Technology Replace Connection
Keeping up with people via social media can create a sense of connection, but passive scrolling does not exactly meet the emotional need for meaningful relationships. Pay attention to your
mood after a scrolling session. Do you feel genuinely fulfilled and connected? Or is something still missing? Seeing people’s curated social media posts can also lead to feelings of self comparison.
This isn’t to say that technology cannot be useful for connection! Video chats, group chats, online communities, and using technology to make plans with friends are all excellent ways to use technology to connect with others. The goal is not necessarily to use less technology, but to use it more intentionally.

7. Make Room for Self- Compassion
Building connections and relationships with others takes time and it does not always go smoothly. Someone declining your invitation or having an awkward conversation does not mean that you are unlikable or destined to be alone forever. They just might not have been the right fit for you. Your people are out there.

If you notice self-critical thoughts, try to challenge them and replace them with a more balanced thought. Thinking “That interaction felt awkward” rather than “I’m terrible at making friends.” feels better, even if you are not happy with how the interaction went, and it avoids a broad overgeneralization about who you are as a person. Socializing is also a skill that can be practiced over time. If you feel like there is room to improve with your social skills, the only way to get better is to keep trying.

8. If Loneliness Feels Persistent
Ongoing, persistent loneliness can often occur alongside depression, anxiety, social anxiety, grief, and other mental health concerns. If you notice that loneliness is interfering with your daily life, or that it feels difficult to change despite efforts to connect with others, talking to a mental health professional may be a helpful next step. Engaging in therapy can provide a safe place to explore the barriers to connection that you encounter, build social confidence, and get a better understanding of the patterns that are at play that may be contributing to isolation.

Finding Support for Loneliness in Plymouth and Brighton, Michigan
Feeling disconnected or having a hard time building meaningful relationships? You don’t have to figure it out alone. If loneliness, anxiety, or difficulty connecting with others is interfering with
your daily life, therapy can provide a supportive place to explore what may be getting in the way. McCaskill Family Services provides individual, family, and couples therapy for children, teens, and adults at our Plymouth, MI and Brighton, MI offices, as well as through teletherapy throughout Michigan.