by Jaclyn Rink, MSCP, LLP
Falling in love with someone can be easy. It doesn’t take much to feel the butterflies, connection, and desire that comes naturally within the first few months of dating someone. Staying in love, however, requires ongoing effort, communication and attention.
When it comes to love, some of the oldest advice in the book was created by relationship counselor Dr. Gary Chapman. Although his research was limited, he came up with a fairly solid theory entitled “The 5 Love Languages” which was based on 5 common ways that people prefer to give and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Quality Time. Chapman’s theory was that everyone has a love language that they prefer, and that people tend to give love in the way they like to receive it. Therefore, tension can arise if you and your partner have different love languages, as you could be treating/loving your partner in a way that isn’t conducive to their preferences. Chapman theorized that if you could identify your own love language and actively communicate it, your partner would have some guidelines on how to best love you, leading to an overall happier relationship. Since its development, the concept of the 5 love languages has become a helpful tool for increasing communication and compassion in relationships.
Let’s take a look at what he meant by these.
Words of Affirmation: Verbally letting someone know how you feel about them: Providing them with compliments, sending them kind texts throughout the day, writing them a sentimental note, saying “I love you” often.
Acts of Service: Helping your partner out: Picking up groceries on your way home, doing the dishes for them, vacuuming without them asking, making their bed, asking if they need anything when you’re out and about.
Physical Touch: Frequently being in their physical space: Holding their hand, snuggling on the couch, forehead kisses, backrubs, etc.
Quality Time: Spending meaningful time together by engaging in activities that both people enjoy; preferably one-on-one: think date nights, cooking together, hiking, board games, or weekend getaways.
Gifts: Giving thoughtful gifts or providing financial support: Buying an item that made you think of them, spontaneous flowers, help with this month’s rent, buying dinner, filling their gas tank.
You can see how tension could arise in relationships if one person desires words of affirmation, but their partner frequently provides them with gifts. Although they may be thankful, and the gesture may spark some excitement and connection, there is a deeper need that longs to be met. Consider how a person may feel if they desire one-on-one time with their partner, but the other continuously provides them with acts of service (simply assuming it’s helpful). Over time, one partner may begin to feel distant or disconnected.
Over the last several years, Chapman’s 5 languages have been under scrutiny, as psychologists and researchers aim to update them to reflect an increasingly modern representation of couples. Relationship dynamics have significantly evolved over time, and what we need from our partners (financially, emotionally, logistically) is different now than it was when the 5 languages were developed. Over time, 2 more love languages have been added, while others have been re-named and re-defined. Here’s the 7:
Appreciation: This one is very similar to words of affirmation. People who prefer appreciation as their love style enjoy when their partner gives them verbal thanks, praise, and compliments. They love when their partner tells them explicitly what they admire about them.
Emotional: Someone who has an emotional love language feels the most loved when their partner is there to support them through difficult or scary times. They value someone who can understand and talk about emotions, while connecting with them through the highs and lows of life.
Financial: A person that prefers a financial love language may feel the most love by receiving gifts or financial gestures. However, the more modern version of this style focuses on a partner who is generous with their resources and sees value in spending money to bring their partner joy.
Intellectual: Those with this love language like to connect through the mind. They enjoy having conversations about relevant topics and thoughtfully discussing important issues. They feel loved when they know their partner values their intelligence and respects their opinions.
Activity: Similar to quality time, this love style focuses on engaging in activities together, while specifically showing interest and finding value in your partners’ own unique hobbies (even if they are drastically different than yours).
Physical: This one stays the same!
Practical: Just like acts of service, people who have a practical love language feel the most loved when their partner helps them with day-to-day responsibilities, chores and routines.
Although most of us have 1 or 2 love languages that we prefer, research has shown us that all of these love languages can be helpful in creating and maintaining a meaningful relationship. You may prefer spending quality time with someone, but sometimes it feels special when your partner brings home a bouquet of flowers or sends you a random “I’m thinking of you” text in the middle of their workday. Therefore, it’s helpful to think of the theory of love languages as a simple framework for a happy relationship. Showing up in a combination of these ways can help support your partners ever evolving relationship needs.
If you feel like your relationship could use some support, MFS has several different options to help couples, ranging from a simple relationship-check in, to intensive workshops and individualized couples counseling.
Visit our couples tab on our website for more information!
https://www.mccaskillfamilyservices.com/therapy-services/couples-therapy.html
