An Explanation of Behaviors in Relationships
By Sydney Rumley, M.S., TLLP
Relationships are a core aspect of humanity; we have a natural drive towards companionship and connection with others, starting from the day that we’re born. But have you ever wondered why you behave in certain ways in your relationships, particularly intimate ones? For example, becoming panicked with a friend or significant other hasn’t texted you back within 5 minutes, wanting to “ghost” someone you’re dating because they’re asking personal questions, or even noticing that you tend to date the same types of people or form short-lived relationships. If you find yourself struggling in this area or simply curious about your relationship patterns, the answer may lie in understanding your attachment style.
Attachment styles are the different emotional connections that an individual forms with their primary caregiver starting in their first years of life and are influenced by the way a primary caregiver makes an infant feel safe, understood, and responds to their needs. Attachment is also influenced by the way someone views themselves. The theory of attachment styles comes from psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, who were interested in the emotional bonds that infants form with their primary caregivers. Through research, they recognized that these early attachment bonds shape the way that humans form relationships in adulthood.
Throughout the years, four attachment styles have been identified based on scales of avoidance and anxiety, and are characterized by behaviors expressed in relationships–especially during times of stress:
- Secure
- Anxious (Preoccupied)
- Avoidant (Dismissive)
- Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized or Ambivalent)
Secure Attachment
Someone with a secure attachment style tends to be comfortable expressing emotions, empathetic/confident, able to deal with conflict, and can set appropriate boundaries. Having this type of attachment style doesn’t make someone a perfect relationship expert, but it does typically indicate that they can seek help/support from their partners, take accountability for mistakes, and value open and honest communication. People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable forming close, meaningful relationships, but they are also content with being on their own. They often have a positive view of themselves as well as others, making them more comfortable expressing their own wants and needs.
Primary caregivers of children with a secure attachment style are often able to effectively soothe their children during times of distress, making the child feel safe and secure. These caregivers likely picked up on both verbal and nonverbal cues and consistently responded to the child’s needs. Once again, this doesn’t make these parents perfect, just that they were more attuned to their child’s needs on a consistent basis.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Someone with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style are often (you guessed it) anxious, uncertain, lacks self-esteem, and fears being alone. Because they typically perceive themselves as being less worthy of love, they view their partners as their “better half” and deeply fear abandonment. As a result, they become overly fixated on their relationships and seek out frequent reassurance that their partner still loves and is interested in them. Any “threats” to the relationship (such as not hearing from their partner or the way their partner acts towards them/others) heightens anxiety; in response to threats, these individuals will often engage in attachment-seeking behaviors (e.g., double texting, calling out of the blue, insistence on seeing their partner) to reassure them that the relationship is still intact. It may be hard for someone with an anxious attachment style to maintain relationships because of their tendency to be “clingy”.
Primary caregivers of children with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style were likely inconsistent, meaning that they were sometimes engaged/responsive but unavailable or distracted at other times. This inconsistency forms a model for relationships later in life, making someone question whether their needs will be met in future relationships.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment style is the opposite of anxious/preoccupied; they are highly independent, self-sufficient, and are wary of emotional closeness. These individuals do not feel that they need a relationship to feel complete because they don’t want to have to rely on someone else, or have others rely on them. At their own expense, they will often avoid emotional closeness or intimacy, even withdrawing from relationships if they feel that their partner is getting “too close”. Remember that humans are hardwired for emotional connection, so suppressing these urges often leads to denying oneself of close relationships.
Primary caregivers of children with an avoidant/dismissive attachment style were likely unavailable during infancy, making the child realize that they must self-soothe and manage their needs on their own because their caregiver is unreliable.
Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized or Ambivalent) Attachment
Lastly, someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style tends to experience a lot of confusion when it comes to forming social bonds, so they often waver between being highly anxious and highly avoidant. These individuals often crave emotional closeness, are hard on themselves, lack self-worth, and have difficulties depending on others due to fears of getting hurt. They can be fearful of how emotional intimacy will affect their relationships, so they close themselves off as a result, creating further distress.
Primary caregivers of children with an anxious-avoidant attachment style likely was both a source of fear and comfort for the infant, making them feel confused about what relationships should even look like. It is common for someone with this attachment style to have a history of trauma that also affected their ability to form close emotional bonds.
When talking about attachment, there are two important things to emphasize. One, you may identify with some but not all the characteristics of a certain attachment style (or styles!). People are dynamic and cannot easily be put into boxes, so it can be helpful to just see if you relate to any aspects of the different styles listed above. Second, attachment styles can be changed. Major life events and different partners can affect our attachment styles either positively or negatively, and there are many ways to heal from an insecure attachment style (e.g., being with someone who’s secure, going to therapy, identifying your triggers). Being able to identify your attachment style can help foster more meaningful relationships and decrease stress/anxiety with partners.
