Jaclyn Rink, MSCP, LLP
After reading the title of this blog entry you might be saying to yourself, “4? 4 solutions to ANY problem? Nice try, Jaclyn, but I don’t believe it.” Give me a chance to explain! Some of the biggest stressors we encounter throughout our lifetime are those that we lack control over and/or have no idea how to solve. A weakness in problem solving often leads to heighted anxiety and irritability, as we struggle to figure out how to properly handle the situation. “4 solutions to any problem” is a strategy from DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) that helps us to streamline our options for how to more adaptive respond to a problem. I am going to use the following problem to help demonstrate the 4 solutions: “I am unhappy with my current job.”
- Change the situation: Of course! If you CAN change the situation you are struggling with, why wouldn’t you? For this problem, changing the situation might include applying for a new role within the company, asking for a raise, decreasing your hours, or switching jobs altogether. However, sometimes we get stuck in situations that we have no control over or simply cannot change: Maybe there is no room for growth in the company or financially you can’t afford to switch/leave your job. In the event that you cannot change the situation, consider the other 3 solutions.
- Change your perspective/attitude about the situation: The more negatively we think about something, the more negatively we feel about it. Confirmation bias kicks in and we naturally start to only notice the negative aspects of the situation, while ignoring any of the good parts. It takes effort to change the way we think about something, and it’s a constant, conscious practice to seek out the positives. In this situation, it might be helpful to focus on the great insurance your job offers you, the flexibility of working from home, your favorite co-workers, or even your salary. It can also include thinking about the situation more adaptively such as. For example: “This is a steppingstone job on the way to a better position” or “Although it’s challenging, I learn new things in my job every day” and even, “Remember when I was desperate for a job? I no longer feel that stress.” Using comparisons for the better can sometimes be helpful when choosing this solution.
- Radical Acceptance: If you are having a hard time changing your perspective, an alternative solution is to practice radical acceptance. Simply put, radical acceptance means accepting the situation as the reality it truly is. Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t experience any distress or frustration over this reality, but acceptance prevents distress from becoming something bigger: suffering. When we refuse to accept reality, we often expend a lot of time and energy trying to change it, usually leading to ongoing stressors, anger, and anxiety. Instead of working with the reality we have, we seek to control it. Radical acceptance is about “playing the hand you’ve been dealt” vs. dropping out of the game, trying to bribe the dealer, or yelling at your teammate. We aren’t saying that we like our hand, but we are accepting it, and doing the best we can with it.
A common phrase we use in DBT is: “If you can’t change the situation, at least don’t make it worse.” Radical acceptance aims to shorten the length of time that you experience distress. If your boss tells you there are no available positions for you to transfer to, and you spend the next 3 weeks being angry at him, trying to sabotage a coworker, or taking it up with his superior, you’ve just turned your distress into long-term suffering, with no obtainable solution. You have been attempting to control something that cannot be controlled and made a lot of people (and yourself) upset by trying to do so.
- Staying Miserable. Yep! I said it, and it may sound weird to think about, but if you aren’t using solutions 1-3 then you are electively choosing to stay miserable. Although this isn’t a very effective strategy for solving a problem, it can be normal to want to spend some time entertaining this solution if we are struggling to adjust our thinking and behavior. Spending some time feeling upset, sorry for ourselves, or thinking that life is unfair are a human emotions and experiences, we just don’t want to stay here for too long. Staying miserable is a choice when you have other, more adaptive opti
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McCaskill Family Services offers ongoing pre-teen & teen DBT groups for those who need additional support with emotional regulation skills. These interactive groups run for 8 weeks and cover skill areas such as distress tolerance, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, problem solving skills, and values identification. Please visit our website for upcoming group dates and more info!
